Sunday, June 10, 2007

Reasons why getting older sucks

1) Having a "spa day" in your own bathroom when you were 25 used to mean experimenting with different brilliant colors of eyeshadow, testing out that new liquid eyeliner, playing with a new nail polish and maybe coloring your hair just because you felt like it. You'd have a bath, shave your legs quickly, use good smellies, and arise from your bath rather like Venus on the halfshell, glowing, fresh and rosy.

2)Having a "spa day" now (at age 38) means shaving, plucking, bleaching, and using horrid smelling creams on hair growing from places you didn't know hair COULD grow, while bemoaning the fact that the hair that's left has every shade of grey known to human kind. (And why is it that men get balder as they get older but women get hairier, and we both decry this fact? What sort of cruel cosmic joke is this?) Your bath (still perfumed with good smellies, at least THAT doesn't change) is now all about buffing, puffing and scrubbing the bits that you want smooth and moisturizing the hell out of the rest. Instead of playing with pretty colors of makeup, you do a facial, and a mask, and a toner, then try out that subdued brown hue of eyeshadow that's supposed to bring out the eyecolor without bringing out the incipient wrinkles that are nicely called "laugh lines". You do another check for random and badly placed hairs. Well, at least the teeth are still in good shape.

3) Losing weight used to mean laying off the booze for a week, going for a walk on a hot day and then taking a good shit. You'd lose five pounds without even worrying about it.
Now? You walk 5+ miles three times a week, do sit ups push ups pull ups leg lifts squats and planks, skip carbs, sugars, bread, alcohol, fun, yumminess and chocolate and all you get are grindy knees, blisters on your feet and bad breath and gas from all the beans you are eating. Your weight? Exactly the same as before, + or - the dreaded PMS bloat where NOTHING fits for at least a week. Hey, but at least you are eating right, right? I know I am eating right when I fart like an 80 year old on a treadmill...pop pop pop pop pop. Frrrrppp.

4) Your parents used to say "when you have kids....". Now they don't even mention grandkids. At all. In fact, your mom gives you menopause advice and you both mull over the benefits of botox.

5) You no longer can wear that cute favorite skirt you wore when you were 24 (even though it still fits!) because, honestly, your knees now frown instead of smile. Yes, the Old Lady Knees have arrived. And they are crotchety old bitches, who whine and creak alot.

6) You go shopping and all the crap you wore in high school is at H&M and all the girls buying it think it is the newest cutest thing they have EVER seen, like OHMYGOD how CUTE. And then the helpful girl working there tries to tell YOU how to wear it! Honey I did leggings before you were born, and I do mean that LITERALLY! In the meantime, you are just trying to find something to cover your ass that does not make you look like Minnie Mouse on acid.

7) You realize that you have shoes that are older than about 1/4 of the humans on this planet.

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