Fuck Me Part Deux

Chain of events.

• Try to buy groceries
• Swipey thing won't take my card.
• Clerk sends me to ATM.
• ATM eats card.
• Stare stupidly at machine waiting for it to spit card.
• Machine gives me receipt saying "Card swallowed". (Can't it spit like everyone else?)
  
• Let out volley of curses causing Norwegians to scatter like freaked hens.
• RUN to bank, there's a branch around the corner.
• Fucking bank has 'summer hours'. Closes at 3 fucking pm. It's 3:15. FUUUCK!
  
• Accost bank employee leaving bank, brandish receipt from ATM, she says call customer service.
  
• I say "You call closing at 3pm customer service?"
• She walks off.
  
• I call customer service
• I am stuck in phone tree. A Norwegian phone tree.
  
• They want my card number.
  
• Uh, hello? THE NUMBER IS ON THE CARD! THE CARD IS IN THE MACHINE! THAT'S WHY I AM CALLING YOU FUCKWITS!
• Go back to machine.
  
• Maybe card fell out and is around there somewhere?
• God Says "Ha!"
  
• Use US ATM card in fucking machine, must get groceries, desperate need for toilet paper.
  
• Pray US card won't get eaten.
  
• Get cash.
• Take deep breath.
  
• Curse again when I realize today's groceries will show up in US account at the bargain price of $225.
• Go back to grocery store, get groceries, curse the Norwegian banking system and price of groceries.
• Make more Norwegians run like scared hens.
  
• Run home with groceries, throw them in fridge, including toilet paper, no time to unpack.
• Cold asswipe may be necessary later anyhow.
  
• Call bank.
  
• Bank hangs up on me.
  
• Call bank back, wish I had gun or broadsword to take out everyone of these mother fuckers.
  
• Give them account number.
• Explain situation.
  
• They say it's not their ATM, I have to call OTHER bank.
• OTHER bank would have to retrieve card, mail it to my bank for verification.
• This will take minimum a week.
  
• Won't get card back in time for London.
  
• Fantasy of Dave style flame thrower and nuclear weapons aimed at bank.
• THEY cannot say WHY card was 'swallowed'.
• Say they can order me a new card, will take 3 or 4 days, not sure if it will get to me but maybe it will. Depends on post.(!!!???!!!)
• I say why don't we do that and I will meantime try to find something out from OTHER bank.
• Call OTHER bank. Blood pressure at critical.
• Other bank closed.
• FUCK THAT, I call corporate and ask for the fucking president of other bank.
• He answers.
  
• President of other bank says I have to call ATM service company.
• Huh?
  
• He gives me number, he can tell by my voice I am NOT up for fucking around.
  
• Call ATM service company.
  
• Call ATM service company.
• On hold
• On hold
• On hold.
• Guy answers phone, I explain the situation.
• Twice.
  
• He says call back tomorrow, maybe we can meet at machine for me to get card.
• But he can't give me card without bank verification.
• I say bank is around corner, he can accompany me. I will show him passport, fingerprints, tits, ANYTHING to get my card back.
• He gives me his name and says to call back tomorrow at 8am.
• I regret that I did not buy beer at grocery store and HAVE NO MEANS TO DO SO NOW.
• I feel sorry for you if you work at the bank and are at work tomorrow.