Saturday, July 28, 2007


Ok, y'all, before I post this I need to make a few statements:

1) This is a REAL charity donation request letter. It was given to me by Karla May and she works for a big company that gets donation requests all the time. It is REAL. VERBATIM. I have left off the name and location of the writer because, well, you'll see why. BUT IT IS REAL.

2) I did NOT MAKE THIS UP. I swear by the great aliens of Norweig.

3)This is insanely weird and hilarious. Stick with it to the end. Finish this letter! The rewards are many. I've been saving posting it for days until I had time to do it justice. Rarely is something so magnificently goofy given to me to share with the world.

And now....

"To Whom it May Concern:

I'm a very crafty person, as in, I can craft almost anything if you give me the right tools and detailed instructions and enough time. I enjoy almost any type of craft, except calligraphy, quilling, scrap-booking, rubber stamping, knitting, sewing, wood burning, polymer clay, candle and soap making, crocheting, pottery, tie dying, mosaics or basically anything that's not beading or related to beading.

I'm a member of a crafting group and we spent most of last year's weekly meetings making Christmas tree ornaments. I wanted kind of an old fashion feel for my Christmas tree so my ornaments were mostly made from wooden beads. I made some garlands from popcorn and put candles on the branches. The first weekly meeting in December was at my house and the group helped me put up and decorate my tree which turned out just lovely. Afterwards, we sat around drinking International Foods Flavored Coffee and celebrating moments of our lives. During that time, L---y and I got into a "discussion" about Norwegians. It turns out that she and I have different opinions about this issue and things got a little heated. M---a had to intervene and we ended the meeting early.

Two weeks later, my entire Christmas tree, ornaments and all was destroyed in a fire. Obviously the Norwegians broke into my house and destroyed my beautiful tree with their laser eyes. See, I know the truth about Norwegians. They're not humans but rather aliens from the planet Norweig. Millions of them landed here on earth in 1932 to observe humans. They picked Norway to inhabit--a country that at that point was uninhabited. They've convinced most other humans that they are one of us, but I know they are not. They're evil aliens who shoot lasers out of their eyes when angry. And they get angry when people try to expose them. L---y must be a spy for them and told them that I knew the truth and thus they destroyed my Christmas tree to scare me. It's the only possible explanation.

Now the reason that I'm risking more laser fires is to write your company about this: First of all, I'm not scared of the Norwegians, especially now that I've covered most of the surfaces of my house with mirrors so that any eye lasers will bounce back at the Norwegian firing them. Second of all, I can't remake the Christmas ornaments this year, my craft group is concentrating on beading chastity belts that we will then Ebay and give the proceeds to our Church. We just don't have time for any other crafts this year. So, I'm writing you to ask that you help me have a Christmas tree this year by sponsoring it. Could you please send a Christmas ornament with your company's logo or slogan or whatever on it for my tree?

Thank You,
Name Withheld"

Speechless? Me too. I honestly don't know if it's just totally insane or totally brilliant.

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