Lars* the Viking Massage God

As you might know, my back has been causing me problems lately. It basically feels like it's sort of stuck right in the area between my shoulder blades. Like If I just bend backwards enough it will pop or loosen up or something. But it never does and I can never stretch...it...just....right.

So I made an appointment to go to a chiropractic massage guy recommended by a few friends. Guy friends.

Thus, none of them mentioned that he is a Viking God. They merely offhandedly said he was a "big guy". Uh, ya think?

He's like 8 feet tall and completely muscle bound. Like, Conan the Barbarian muscle bound. Ahnuld muscle bound. Mr. Universe muscle bound. I almost laughed when I met him because he's just SO BIG. First thought was "Can he hurt me?" followed by second thought, "Did I wear decent underwear?" I mean, not that I was attracted or anything, but when one is presented with a God that is about to pummel you into submission, you hope you are wearing decent knickers as a sign of respect. Like brushing your teeth before you go to the dentist.

I slightly nervously followed him into his very tiny and minimal Viking God Lair where he told me to lay face down on the table (left the room to give me privacy to get my shirt off, which I appreciated as some massage people here DON'T do that and I feel a bit awkward undressing in front of someone, you know? especially a God?) and then came back in and proceeded to mash me into a little squashy pulp.

Which is EXACTLY what I want in a massage. No scented stuff, no music, no breathing or sound effects, no fancy sheets or special massage beds, no reiki, crystals or any new agey shit....... just a good muscle relaxing rubdown with a little pain and some serious sore spot poking. At one point he used his elbows to just press into the painful spots, and yeah, it hurt, but it also felt WONDERFUL. (I did joke at one point that maybe I could get a smaller bra size what with all the smashing and pressing on the back that was having an effect on the front. I've got two mashed frontal portions right about now...talk about compression!)

Anyhow, that was the most successful half hour of massage I think I have ever had, besides this guy named Tony in Austin who's AMAZING and the tiny little girl in Thailand who made me her bitch.

*Not his real name. I think.