The 80’s are back. Please kill me.

Yesterday I went on a shopping foray to H&M. It’s not like this is an unusual occurrence or anything. I go there about once a week. Their turnover is so fast that you have to go frequently to see if there is anything new and un-missable. This pays off, as I have found some GREAT stuff there.

But lately? The stuff for fall is like a walk back in time to my high school days. And let me tell you, those were NOT good times for me. Going in to H&M yesterday reverted me right back to the gawky, mulleted, never-got-dates-because she was a foot taller than all the boys, insecure nut job I was in high school. The 80’s, for me, while I adore the music, was a fashion NIGHTMARE.

Let’s look at what we wore back then. Hmm. Leggings. Baggy shirts. Tight pencil skirts and narrow legged jeans. Things belted at the hips. Shift dresses that hung off the shoulders and went straight down. Bubble skirts. Flash dance cut up sweatshirts. Things that were tight on the ass and baggy at the waist. Focus was all on the lower body, with the upper body merely hinted at. All in primary colors, stripes or polka dots with big buttons and bowties at the neck. We all looked like Minnie fucking Mouse exploded all over us.

Now, that look is great for girls with long skinny legs. Or short tiny little girls. Or athletes. Or girls who tend to gain weight in the middle yet still have thin legs. Or girls with self confidence. (I mean, really, leggings? Those are not pants. Those are pantyhose you can’t see through, and there is NO shirt long enough to make me feel good in those.) But I, in high school, was this tall, 50’s pin up curvy (as I now recognize, but back then I just thought “fat”) girl with a 36-22-36 figure. I was STACKED. But I wasn’t secure enough to recognize what I had, and clothes back then were definitely NOT for girls with heroic proportions such as I had. No, the perfect girl for the 80’s was like the majority of my friends. 5’4” tall, and kind of boyish. Tiny. Cute. Not overly curvy. I felt like a whale in a school of sardines. Everything I ever tried on in high school was too big in the waist and too tight and too short everywhere else. It all seriously gave me post traumatic fashion syndrome. I would try so hard to fit in, but my body type would just NOT look good in proto-Pat Benatar, Go-Go’s MTV styles. About the only style I could do and look decent in was Madonna’s poofy full skirt and tight leotard look, but seriously, nobody cool actually dressed like Madonna back then.

Then came the 90’s and I found my fashion confidence. God Bless the 90’s. The Bill Clinton years. The years that Karla learned that having an Apple Butt was not such a bad thang after all.

So, these days, I go shopping at H&M, at my advanced age of 37, and it’s all back. All that 80's shit. Even the neckties for girls. Remember those? And all the old feeling comes flooding back: I’m fat. It won’t fit. I hate this. This looks like shit. Stripes WHERE? Why not just plaster the word “lard” all over my ass? No wonder, now, for the past 15 years, anytime I come across a skirt, dress or pair of pants that fits I MUST buy it. After so many years of nothing fitting in the 80’s, I’m making up for lost time. I’m saving up for the fashion drought, the time when things once again won’t fit.
And I am very, VERY afraid that time is nigh.

Well, fuck that. I’m older now. I don’t have to feel bad about me because some gay man in Paris decides that women should look like boys. Just because fashion is changing does NOT mean that my body will! I don’t need to fit what they say! I am who I am and that’s all that I am! I’m sticking with my Bohemian look; tight tops and full skirts, tailored skirts and vintage dresses, straightlegged (not tapered) jeans and fitted waist jackets. I’m still an Apple Bottom and I still look at J Lo and Beyonce as modern day heroines for girls with ass! You will NOT see me in bubble skirts, leggings, gauchos (GAUCHOS, for fucks sake!), “walking shorts”, shift dresses or anything that does not define my waist. NO empire tops. No polka dots. NO and I mean NO neckties.

I’m older. I’m wiser. I have more money. And I don’t need to settle. So, Fashion People? Screw You! I’m wearing what I want and guess what? I’m STILL gonna be fabulous!