Monday, March 13, 2006

i should not be allowed to touch the office coffee machine

Here at the spanky-schwanky offices where I work, there is this coffee machine that is so advanced it practically grows the beans and milks the cows itself. This thing makes like 12 different kinds of coffee, plus hot chocolate AND tea. It's a push button miracle. It's like a caffeinated R2D2 but with more options and better language skills.

In other words, I am doomed to fuck it up something awful.

I've already overflowed about 6 coffee mugs, spilled the rare successful coffee attempts everywhere three times, made the machine make a horrible screaming noise, and used someone else's mug by mistake. I've made espresso when I wanted chocolate, chocolate when I wanted espresso, the machine spit at me once, and one time had a line of three people behind me patiently waiting while I repeatedly pushed the hot water button to get little blips of water, not realizing I had to HOLD IT DOWN to get the amount of water required.

I am Coffee Machine Disaster Girl. There needs to be someone (in technical lingo, we shall call this person the Coffee Interface Liaison, in Karla Speak the Idiot Proofer) between me and the machine. In otherwords, I need a Starbucks Barista right here, at the office, just for me.

Will someone just please make me a damned mocha that won't fight back or embarrass me? Please?

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