Nothing embarrasses me anymore...not after Friday night.

I've been doing a bit of hanging out at this bar in Austin called The Mean Eyed Cat. It's a new bar that's supposed to be a hole in the wall, but it really isn't, as it is too kitschy, cool and hip to be a true dive. But it is divesque...complete with the railroad tracks being right behind it, homages to Johnny Cash on every surface and a cool Decayed Meets Trading Spaces vibe. It's got a great outdoor garden for slippin' into mosey. Me likes it.

Me likes it so much that I bought a pair of their logo "girl hotpants". Which is where the embarrassment begins. Because, folks, let's face it, I bought panties at a bar.

I bought panties at the bar from a male bartender. (Let's also note the fact that these particular panties say, on the front crotchular area "Eat the Kitty". Ok?) So here I am, at a bar, buying theme naughty panties from a large male bartender and (girls you will know how I felt on this) HAVING TO ASK FOR A LARGE. eek. He joked with me and told me he needs a two xl himself. I was so embarrassed buying the undies I didn't get the joke til way later. So I looked like a total big assed, red faced humorless PRIG who didn't get his joke. Arg. anyhow, I got me a beer (or three) he handed me the panties, I balled them up into my purse and I crept away from whence I came.

Next day. Hungover me rescues the balled up tiny piece of lycra from my purse and takes a look. Hmm, these look small, I say as I hold them up. Very small. Like, if this is their idea of a large I am one big assed motherfucker for SURE.

They were SMALLS.

This means, I realize with dawning horror, I have to GO BACK TO THE BAR, RETURN THE PANTIES AND ASK, ONCE AGAIN FOR A LARGE. (Hey, naughty eat the kitty theme panties ain't cheap, and I actually do want to wear them someday.)

Is this a cosmic joke? Does someone have it in for me? Me thinks yes.

So Friday night I head back to what is now my favorite-yet-oddly-dreaded-local-divesque bar and make sure i get there as early as possible after opening so that I can be relatively assured of less humiliation when doing the return. OH, shit. The place is packed. To the gills. The one bartender (a woman, THANK GOD) is harried and rushing and has no time for my panty issues. Not that I blame her one bit. She says she will do me the excahnge when she gets a chance.

I slink out back to the garden, meet up with my pals, and explain my panty woes. It's a small bar, not like everyone won't know what I am up to eventually.

I start to tie one on. The panties get passed around like a party hat. (I have camera phone proof, people.) Everyone at the table has now worn my small eat the kitty soon to be returned panties on every part of the body EXCEPT that which they were designed for. Boys and girls.

Some of us get hungry and run across the street to the Mexican place across the street. I get bought a frozen margarita with a Herradura floater. This means Karla talk funny now. Whilst in the midst of my garmarita-ing, one of the guys from our party at the bar across the way runs into the restaurant brandishing yet another pair of eat the kitty panties and says "Hey she found the large and told me to bring them to you! Here they are! I brought them to you!" Panty purchase by committee with free gleeful boy delivery?? What is this? Sheesh! Now the mexican food restaurant patrons know my underwear issues too. And also I had a cell phone message to the effect that the large panties had been located. My God! Alert the Media! Karla's Large Ass Panties Have Been Found! All is well! We are no longer on orange alert!

After dinner we went back to the bar, granted a little more wobbly than when we left, and continued the beering and the panty fashion show. The larges fit much better on our heads, much like a jaunty, if holey, beret. Fits around necks as a scarf, too. Well, kinda. It's a bit constricting and there is the issue of what to do with the otherr side. Would work better for someone with two heads.

So yes, I wear a large in my underwear size. I am no longer embarrassed to say it, as everyone knows it (now), and seriously, who are we kidding anyhow? Large and proud of it! Got it, everyone in Austin? I bought the large girl hotpants at the Mean Eyed Cat! Good, now get me another beer. I have brain cells left to kill.