A conundrum

I find myself in a strange place in my life, right now.

I don't have any 'wants'.

Does that make any sense?

You know, your whole life, or at least, in my life, I have always striven for something. I always had a big WANT. I wanted to learn to make jewelry. I wanted to be a decorative painter. I wanted to learn how to use computers. I wanted to travel. I wanted to see large parts of the world. I wanted to save some money. I wanted to fully understand certain things and areas of interest. I wanted that perfect pair of black Doc Marten 20 hole lace up boots. I wanted a job that was interesting. I wanted a job where I was kind of important. I wanted to have love and give love. I wanted a 'grown up' home. I wanted to have a steak for dinner. I wanted sex. I wanted to go party. I wanted to get to know the people here in Norway. I wanted to give my Austin friends love and hugs. I wanted to lie around and read books for a whole weekend. I wanted that perfect set of sheets for my bed. I wanted to blog. I wanted to learn to cross country ski. I wanted to feel confident. I wanted Seasons 1-7 of Buffy, Seasons 1-5 of Angel, and all of Six Feet Under. I wanted to be a size 8.

I have all that stuff. I have achieved those goals (except the one about being a size 8, that escapes me always.) I have done those things. I seem to have become a fully realized human being with a job and a home and a sense of self. I've been to most of the places I really wanted to go, and I honestly might be too tired to try to think up more.

And so, right now, sitting here in my grown up apartment, and feeling a bit like a 13 year old in a 40 year old's body, I'm wondering, what do I want next? I'm not hungry. I wouldn't mind a glass of wine, but it's not urgent. Sex would be ok too, but sex is sort of something you always want (or is that just me?), so I've learned to deal with that. I don't want to go shopping. My closet is pretty full, and I just don't have that need to go buy stuff. I don't have that overwhelming urge I used to have to make jewelry or create something. It's the weekend so I won't go in to work where I do have a few interesting projects to wrap my brain around.

What do I want now? Is this contentment? Is this getting older? Have I turned the corner into being boring? Or maybe I need to make my goals bigger? What is this, this lack of wants and urges?

Anyone know?