Thursday, July 17, 2008

boob tape

It seems lately the trends in women's fashions go one of two directions: Very high necks or very low. Not much in between, at least, here in Norway. You can either tie up mid 80's Tootsie style or show off the girls in little empire waisted wrappy things. Luckily, Norway is all about the cleavage so you can guess which of the options I have chosen.


Hence my problem.


The high neck look is not good for me, I end up looking like a fuzzy mop stuck on a short stick. I don't have a very long neck, all told. Certainly it's not swan like.


The lower cut stuff is fine, I mean, I certainly have the goods to wear them, but the problem I can't really be hoisting the girls around the office. Tends to be distracting. Guys (I work with pretty much all men)  will talk to you about something work related, glance down, and you can see their brains just go into another place as they think 'booooobs'.  It is actually quite humorous, but I don't want to distress the poor dears more than I have to, it's too hard for them to get their train of thought back.


So today, for work, I'm wearing a dress with a wrappy empire neckline, but the dress is just a bit showy. So I added a slip underneath, that peeks out over the top, adding a nice layer of color and texture but also covering a bit more than the dress does. Problem was, the slip kept, well, slipping. Damn! I have an after work thing to go to and I don't want to be messing with my modesty (or lack thereof) all day!


I then remembered my friend Bonnie had sent me 'Hollywood Fashion Tape' (aka the very boob tape that kept J Lo in that green cut to THERE dress a few years ago). I hadn't yet used it, but thought this might be a good time to try.


That stuff? WORKS. You pull it off the backing, and apply to the part of yourself you want to adhere your clothing too. (This generally tends to be boobs.) Then you peel off the other backing that is on top and hey presto! a clear, non visible surface is left behind that will CLING TO YOUR CLOTHES like a monkey to a banana. That shit will NOT move and your clothes will stay put even in the event of tornado, monsoon or jostling by paparazzi. This slip is not going anywhere today. Guys with toupes should TOTALLY buy this stuff.


My new worry is, say, I get home kind of late (read: drunk) and collapse into bed. Obviously, I neglect to remove the tape for lack of motor skills. (Generally most nighttime hygiene falls by the wayside on nights such as I anticipate tonight.)


I sleep on my stomach.


Will I tape my boobs to the sheet? Will I be able to remove myself in the morning? Will removing myself, if I am able, hurt? Will removing the tape hurt!? (I fear that answer is yes. Did I mention the stickiness of it?)


Can one call in sick to work by reason of 'boobs stuck to the bed'? Does one need a doctor's note for this?



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