Monday, January 12, 2009

is it just me?

Ok, so has this happened to you......

You go to a pharmacy to get something of a personal nature for an embarrassing problem. (Ass cream, itchy girl bits cream, wart cream, birth control of any kind, Midol, things to make you either go to the bathroom or stop going to the bathroom, athlete's foot cream, etc etc, you get the picture? I'm not gonna be specific here, ok?)

Depending on the country you are in, you manage to find the item you are looking for after a bit of trial and error ("anus" is pretty much "anus" in every country, fyi, not that THAT is what I was looking for, I was just curious. Oh, AND, in an interesting sidenote, the Norwegian word for a fungus (as in yeast infection) or a wart is "sop", which also means mushroom. I see this all the time in ads, so now I think of warts and yeast infections as mushroom infections, which you really don't want those images in your head, trust me. But I digress, and once again, I do not gives specifics on my purchase of a personal nature of today.)

Ok, anyhow, so, you find the item you need, after much time and embarrassment looking at all the naughtier parts of the pharmacy. You manage to avoid the helpful roaming pharmacist (always there, helpful, like a buzzing fly, when you really just want to hide and not be seen, why is that?) and grab your item. Items like this are always named Anusol, Vagitol, Wartalicious, Proctosol or Fungistin, by the way. You just can't mistake what they are for. No matter how hard you try.

You go to pay....head down, trying to act like maybe it's not for you, it's just a random purchase, along with some lotion, some gum and a bottle of vitamins. You know, just in case you might need it SOMEDAY..... hmm, your carefully planned facial expression says, doesn't this look interesting from a cultural perspective?

The pharmacist rings through your other items, gets to the thing you really want to pretend you don't need though you desperately, painfully do, and holds it up to the light to read the instructions to you, OUT LOUD, while detailing which AFFECTED AREA it should be applied to, and HOW MANY TIMES A DAY using WHICH METHOD (usually finger, which should be obvious and unstated yet they ALWAYS STATE IT). This is done in a LOUD AUTHORITARIAN VOICE that can be HEARD FOR BLOCKS in the very small community you live in.

They all do it. I think they are trained to do it in school. In every country in every part of the world.

I can just see them:

(Pharmacist sees person holding, say, ass cream, not that that is what I bought).

Pharmacist inner monologue: Oh, here's a good one. Ass cream! I love ass cream! Hmm, ok, so, how can I best educate this person on the usage of ASS CREAM? Oh please oh please come check out in MY lane so I can tell you all about ASS CREAM! Yeay, she's coming my way! I get to tell her about ASS CREAM! Woo!

I'm sure I made her day.

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