Tuesday, October 03, 2006

a meme...thank efffing God

Thank GOD. Finally a meme I can do that doesn’t suck. Thank you Dave for stealing it from Avitable. (Who, by the way, calls himself the Grantichrist, which totally cracks my ass up.)
I tag Bookhart, because she is suffering from lack of blog muse, and I know what that's like.

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
I was already told that George Bush is too easy, and so is right out. Damn. Ok, so let’s go with…..this bitch who pushed me out of the way at the doctor’s this morning, so SHE could get to the check in window a second quicker than us? And we had an emergency? There’s rude? And then there’s just RUDE. (But we got called before her, because, hello, emergency with BLOOD, so bite me, BEYOTCH!) (Oh and it wasn't mine, it was Rich's. More on that in the next post. He won't die, though, so I can save the story for tomorrow.)

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be? Paris Hilton. I know she’s not really a musical artist, but she’s got a cd and so it counts. Hey, Clay Aiken is considered a musical artist too.

3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
Paris Hilton. Doesn’t she just need one? I’d punch her before I pushed the button that negated her existence.

4. What is your favorite cheese?
Anything melty. Muenster, mozzarella, monterrey jack. Melt it, I’ll eat it.

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?
I’d rather like a roasted chicken on toasty wheat baguette, with some mayo, lettuce, some onion, a little salt and a touch of curry powder. Or a big ass muffaletta.

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?
mmm…mumph…um, remember when Daniel Day Lewis was in Last of the Mohicans and he wore long hair and a loin cloth? And that’s it? For most of the movie? Yes please. “No matter what occurs I will find you”. Yes please.

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?
Trent Reznor. Cuz I am sure he’d bring me closer to God.

8. Now that you've slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy crap, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?
Well, if I am having THAT good of a day, having gotten lucky twice, with celebrities, I must be REALLY lucky. I’d go to the nearest casino and do some gambling. Turn that 100 bucks into a few million.

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
See? How lucky I am? I’d go back to Railay beach in Thailand. That was AMAZING.

10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do?
Get one helluva massage.

11. A demon rises out of Hell and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is...?

12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?
England, London. 17th century, just before the great fire and then stay for a bit after to watch such an amazing city regrow and rebuild. Also to buy some land so that I could continue being really rich when I get back to now and own, like, Chelsea and Knightsbridge.

13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
Women hold all the power. Men must serve us. Men must also stay in their own quarters until we call them out. AND they should be covered at all times when out of their quarters, because looking upon their limbs may well cause us to lust after them and that would be totally their fault for not covering up. Of course, we can have multiple husbands. Men are basically our bitches, really, and useful for sex, changing light bulbs and garbage removal. And the occasional cuddle.
Oh, and cute shoes must also not rub or hurt feet in any way. Any one who makes uncomfortable shoes will be forced to wear them until their feet fall off.

14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what's the premise?
I see…..a girl from Texas moves away from home to Europe, travels alot and finds herself in interesting dilemmas every day. Insert laugh track and away we go.
Or, screw that and just bring back Freaks and Geeks.

15. What is your favorite curse word?
Fuck.. Accept no substitutes. (THANKS Dave.)

16. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do?
Get my flame thrower and torch their asses. Or, if I am out of toilet paper, unroll one of them for when I go for that 4 am whiz.

17. Your house is on fire! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don't worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what's the item?
Probably my computer. Or my Lucchese boots. Or my jewelry box. One of those…whichever I thought of first at the moment..

18. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?
Fuck like a bunny. Don’t care who. I’ll die in 29 minutes anyhow, so I just need someone able to get some freak on.

19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What's it gonna be?
The power to instantly send myself anywhere I want to be…like Samantha on Bewitched.

20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
I remember, when I went to Oxford in 1989, this perfectly, peacefully happy moment where I was sitting in the sun on the ancient doorstep of my room, at Brasenose, journaling and looking out on the quad and thinking how damned happy I was and how this may well be the best moment of my life. I had just gotten to Oxford, was jetlagged and positively ecstatic that I had a whole summer ahead of me and no idea what would happen next. It turned out it was the best summer of my life. But the anticipation of it was almost sweeter than the events that happened. Like Christmas when you are 6..

21. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
I reserve the right to not talk about it.

22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool stuff... you can move to anywhere else in the world! Bitchin'! What country are you going to live in now?
Somewhere in the UK…England, Ireland or Scotland.

23. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?
Opal Divine’s in Austin. It would have been Waterloo Brewing Company but they closed it down, the bastards.

24. Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question.... If you did, then we'll just expand on that. Check it out... Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first, and be like "Dude, check it out... I can FLOAT!"?
Dave said: Why is it every meme has to have one question that's so frickin' stupid you regret having started the meme in the first place? If I must answer, I'd FLOAT over the car of somebody I dislike strongly and take a crap in the middle of their hood. Then I could say "DUDE! Check it out... I can FLOAT!"
I kind of agree with that? But then, I also think I’d float over the White House just so I could moon GWB, et al. I’d probably get shot down as an Unidentified Floating Asshole, but maybe that also qualifies as my last half hour of life, see number 18, and that’s cool too.

25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?
John Ritter. He needed more time. It was just too soon.

26. The Gates of Hell have opened, and Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? Either of my grandmothers.

27. What's your theme song?
Do Not Go Quietly Unto Your Grave, Morphine.

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