Sunday, May 30, 2010

Things have been really busy lately. Just when I think it can't get busier, it does.

Which means, of course, that I got run down and was sicker than a damn dog all last week. I couldn't take time off from work so I had to go in with the crud, and I can tell you... sexy? Is one thing I was NOT. I could see people leaning away from me trying to escape my germ filled fug. Well, shit. If you make me too busy to miss work, then you get me at work, but the shape I am in leaves something to be desired. (Don't get me wrong, I love my job, I really do, but sometimes i would like to just turn OFF. I have forcibly ignored the Blackberry this weekend. I hid it in the closet.)

Anyhow, so this weekend is all about rest. I am sleeping, lazing, reading in the sun. I am allowing myself to just be a bum. Which, for some reason, I am finding really hard. My brain won't shut up and I feel guilty just taking care of myself. But I know that I need quiet time and that I probably need more of it as I get older.

I don't know if it's just me, or if it is a woman thing? But lately, I feel very damned if i do and damned if I don't. No matter what I do, I will piss off someone. No matter what I do, I am giving up one thing to do another. No matter what I do, one thing drops in my efforts to keep the others up.

I am trying to go easy on myself. I am trying to not beat myself up because I miss this friend's party or this friend's barbeque or this friend's dinner. I can't make Rich dinner every night, and he will just have to make do with a pizza or whatever. I can't do it all and I have to think of the things I need to do right now to make my life work right now. I am really struggling to make it all work and I am not sure why I am having such a hard time. (I also can't imagine how I would keep it together if kids were in the picture. Seriously? How?) I'm trying to not beat myself up for forgetting to do that thing at work or this thing at work or saying no to doing something at work that doesn't directly have anything to do with my job.

It seems like, lately, the hardest lesson I am having to learn is to say NO. I don't seem to be very good at it, it wracks me with guilt and what-if's, but I have to get better at it and I have to learn to say no and mean it and not let it get to me. Even if it gets to someone else.

Time for another nap. After I change the sheets. It's the only item of housecleaning I am doing this weekend. Changing the sheets. The rest will have to wait. (See? I said no. heh. Go me!)

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