Tuesday, March 29, 2011


Had my first mammogram today. Apparently when you reach 'that certain age' one of the rights of passage is to have your tits squashed by a rotating machine in a cold room. I personally think that the Sweet Sixteen party is a helluva lot better, but hey, aging ain't for sissies. I've been told that if you take a boob and close a door on it a few times, that approximates the mammogram experience, so I wasn't really looking forward to it at all.

Anyhow, it was a strange strange experience. I was invited from the busy waiting room into a tiny dressing room with doors on either side by a guy and told to 'take off everything above the waist'. The guy left, and I commenced disrobing and then went through the second door (not the one into the hallway, obviously). It's a very strange, disorienting and slightly dreamlike feeling to walk through a door into an unknown and previously unseen space with no shirt on. I mean, who knows what is on the other side? There could be an auditorium full of people, or it could be a door to the outside that locks behind me and there I am, holding my boobs in my hands, wondering what the hell happened? As it is, it was freaky enough to walk through a door into this unknown room knowing that there was probably a guy in there and here I was, half naked and with my clothes in the other room.

Well, I 'nutted up' and went through the door to be met by that guy, and there in front of me was the mammogram machine I had heard so much about. It didn't look too threatening. I mean, there weren't any severed boobs laying around, no lost nipples, no blood, no passed out or hyperventilating women. Nope, just a silvery machine and me. So I approached it and the guy gently grabbed a boob and hoisted it onto the metal plate for the first of four mammograms.

Now, really. What kind of job is that? Boob lifter. All day long, you grab boobs and hoist them onto a tray and then squash them. You either have to really LOVE boobs or really HATE boobs to do that all day long. The only job that is worse would have to be being a gyno or a proctologist/urologist. Seriously. Boobs. Boobs boobs boobs all day long.

Anyhow, he had a very gentle touch, and I didn't find the exam to be at all uncomfortable, in fact, I wonder if he squashed hard enough, actually. It was kind of funny to look down and see my tit through the clear plastic 'boob smasher plate' all elongated and pointy, and I remember thinking that this was just not dignified at all, really.

Anyhow, my girls got squooshed vertically and then horizontally, and then he told me I could go. I was all, "Hey, that's not bad at all", and then he said "You'll get the results in a week or so".

OH, yeah. I forgot what this was all about. Breast cancer. Shit. Not really a humorous experience at all, but rather a dead serious and possibly life saving exam. Fuck.

I hope the results come back ok. I mean, I don't have any reason to think they won't, but then, some of my friends didn't either, did they?


  1. Lee Nichols11:48 AM

    You're going to get so many hits because of that post title. I'm guessing that was intentional. (Lured me in, that's for sure.)

    Best of luck with the results, and good for you for getting it done.

  2. zunzun7:21 PM

    Try having your not so big boobs squashed into a machine that was obviously intended for something to be plopped on it in order to squeeze it...talk about humiliating to have the guy sort of "scooping and squeezing" the boob onto the place and the HOLDING it (I was mortified...like I needed to apologize for my small ones!LOL) down while the plate was being adjusted...yeah....I walked out of there thinking maybe I should go get a silicone pair!   Loved that 2nd Paragraph...too funny...and yes, how surreal 'cause indeed...who knows what the heck is on the other side.

    Plus...we HAVE to laugh...even if the reason for needing them sucks (my mother had breast cancer and a mastectomy two years ago so I go to make sure that if anything ever happens that they catch it early like they did hers)...humor is the only thing that can get us all through this shit...and the worry...here's to yours coming back ok!!!

  3. Gretch9:19 AM

    You were lucky it didnt hurt.  I have had several, and some without the nice outcome.  But I will never forget the last one. Holy shit, he smashed the living hell out of my boob I actually screamed. They can back it off after but it was a little late. And it was that one that actually found the tumor! 

    Best of luck with the results and cudos to you for going when you should!!! To many people wait to long!

  4. karlakp9:10 AM

    Mammogram clear. :-)

  5. Michele10:38 AM

    As always, your post made me laugh, even though it's about maybe-cancer. I'm so glad your test came back A-OK! Yea!!

    I had my one and only mammogram 6 or 7 years ago---it hurt so fucking much, I've never gone back. Maybe because, just like zunzun, I have itty, bitty titties that don't really fit into the machine?

    Coincidentally, I just watched a movie last night, "Please Give," in which one of the characters is a boob-lifter! You must see it! :-)

  6. Karen ( The Scottish Blogless One)10:51 AM

    That is fantastic news that the boobs are clear!!!! Woooo hooooo

    Hope to see you and your well behaved breasts sometime soon. Maybe we need a pre summer, Blog gathering before we all wander off into far yonder.....

    Hope your well and again well done on getting the check

  7. karlakp11:23 AM

    Karen, my boobs are rarely well behaved, they are actually quite naught breasts, but they are healthy and that I am happy about. Yes, let's have a gathering in May! (April sort of a wash, sad to say.)

  8. Corinne10:27 AM

    Dude, been there, done that, and it was NOT FUN.  Especially when they want to get a closer picture and use the Itty Bitty Plate of Death.  Glad to hear your results came back clear and you and your boobs galore or healthy.  I third the need for a pre-summer get together.

  9. Lynne previously of cape cod4:51 PM

    Hey Karla - been a little out of touch! But checked in today & read your "mammo-post" & I swear you give good belly-laughs!!! God, my first & only & maybe last mammogram I almost passed out from the pain. You got lucky!! But also give me hope... I should schedule another. :-( will keep in mind the "nuttin' up" bit & get it done. Thx for the laugh & glad it was all clear. Lynne


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