Saturday, March 27, 2010

Foul Frozen Fowl Foot

"OW FUCK WHAT THE FUCK OW GODDAMNIT FUUCK!"

I have a certain deep throated and blues-y holler that I release only when I am suddenly and furiously enraged by great pain.

When Rich hears it, he knows I have been hurt, but not enough to need an ambulance or anything, just enough to get REALLY MAD. He's smartened up over the years, when he hears this yell emanating from my delicate self. He now waits until the yelling ceases and there is a 30-45 second window of silence, then he comes in to wherever I am to ask "Are you alright?" (If he comes in any sooner to check on me, I will still be in the throes of sudden blinding rage and will just include him in my flow of f-bombs. Best to avoid.)(I inherited this trait from my Mom, by the way. Thanks Mom.)

In this case, today, I was bent over double in the kitchen, holding a frozen chicken breast in one hand (Exhibit A) and my smashed middle toe on my left foot in the other (Exhibit B). I exhaled through my teeth and with jaw clenched said "This motherfucking piece of frozen fucking Norwegian IQF chicken just fell right onto the tip of my toe and I think it's broken. Fuck, that hurts". (I curse a lot when I am in pain, I inherited that from my Dad, thanks Dad.)

Rich suggests, helpfully, "Maybe you should put some ice on it?"

I'm all "The breast was frozen when it fell, I'm pretty sure that is all the ice I want right now, thanks."

Him, "Do you want to go the the doctor?"

Me, "Do you really think I want to tell a doctor that I destroyed my toe by means of a piece of white meat chicken breast? Can I BE any more of an idiot?"

Him....crickets. (His way of saying, "Yes you are an idiot but I am not saying it because you already did and I am a SMART man, I know when to shut up." )

Seriously, y'all. One damned 6 ounce piece of frozen chicken breast falling on your toe, it's like a boulder or an iceberg or something. I had NO idea poultry could cause that much pain. My toe went numb and then it tingled and then it throbbed...I couldn't touch it the pain was so intense. Just on this tiny 1/4 inch spot on my iddle widdle toe.

Also...could I not hurt myself in a cool manner? You know, twist an ankle running from a lion, or an unfortunate-yet-great-story-for-later hang gliding episode? No, I have to drop frozen fowl on my foot, or bash my own head on the side of the bath tub, or trip on stairs in front of all my co workers, or some other such stupid shit.

I wish I was cool.

Well, at the very least, I am going to eat the hell out of that chicken breast tonight, I am gonna stab it with knives and burn it and sauteé it and make it my bitch. You don't get to hurt me without being revenged upon, 'yo. Don't be playin' chicken on MY ass.

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